


together, we're about to fly

by tainted-destinies (khrysallis)



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-19
Updated: 2015-04-19
Packaged: 2018-03-24 18:51:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3780535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/khrysallis/pseuds/tainted-destinies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(pilot!au) One seeks to repeatedly return to the past that never will be, while the other seeks to be the future that has the possibility of coming true.</p>
            </blockquote>





	together, we're about to fly

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Character death, hinted rated scenes.

Narrowed brown eyes meets azure as the man glances up at the skies above, squinting at the brightness of the sun. He partially blocks out the sunrays with his hand, watching as yet another aircraft takes off from the tarmac and flies overhead.

 

Incessant announcements looking for passengers to head to their boarding gates, safety information, baggage size restrictions, and the lot ring from behind him in a mixture of Czech and English after a succession of pre-recorded bell chimes, and he instinctively takes a step forward, further away from the entrance of the airport.

 

It wasn’t as though the volume of these announcements would reduce by doing so, but he likes to pretend they did, anyway.

 

“Captain Kim,” someone calls after him from behind, and he turns to meet the grinning face of his long-legged crew member. The man’s smile reminds him of spring and rainbows, the sort that would brighten up even the gloomiest of days; it reminds him of another person who possessed such a smile, but he stops himself short of continuing that thought. “Where are you headed to? Our bus is this way,” the man continues, jabbing his finger in the opposite direction.

 

“I–” he starts, only to be interrupted by another man with a dimpled smile. Zhou Mi immediately bows in greeting to the head steward of the flight he had just served; his superior.

 

“He’s not joining us on the bus ride to the hotel, Zhou Mi.” The person who had joined them tells the air steward, whom questioningly cocks his head to the side. “It’s his usual ritual to take a tour around town the moment the plane lands. Contrary to his clueless face, he’s actually quite well-versed with the streets of Prague. Go on ahead to the bus. I’ll join you guys in a moment.”

 

“Thanks for that, Jungsoo hyung.” He smiles at the dimpled man in gratitude when the lanky air steward bows and takes his leave, whom pats him in the back.

 

“No problem, Jongwoon. It  _is_  part of my responsibility to inform the new cabin crew about certain things, after all – even the various quirks of the pilot.” Jungsoo winks at him and chuckles, and then turns serious again, expressions full of concern. “Are you going about alone? Do you want me to join you?”

 

Jongwoon’s lips presses into a thin line, neither smiling nor frowning at the question as he replaces his hat on his messy head of hair. “No, it’s fine. I’ll be back at the hotel by dinner time. Thanks for your offer, though.” He replies silently. The word ‘as usual’ lingers in the air between the two, but neither breathes a word. A soft smile sweeps Jungsoo’s expressions, and he squeezes Jongwoon’s shoulder as he always does.

 

“I’ll see you later, then.”

 

\--

 

The summer sun in Prague is – has always been – merciless.

 

Time and again, Jongwoon is reminded of that fact an hour too late, when he finds himself stripping himself of his necktie and rolling up the sleeves of his already-drenched pristine white button-down shirt to aid ventilation in the middle of the Jan Palach Square. He bristles when even undoing the first two buttons didn’t seem to help, and continues to press his damp handkerchief against his sweat-glistened neck in hopes that the measly piece of cloth could still absorb moisture. Why didn’t he head back to the hotel first to have a change of clothes again?

 

His irritation slowly dissipates as he steps onto the pavement in front of a building built with sandstone, whose tall, ornate windows gleamed under the sun. His eyes sweeps over the numerous statues perched on the lampposts on each side of the building and its roof, admiring them as though it is the first time he had been there. Jongwoon smiles at the couple who were trying to take a photo of themselves in front of Dvořák’s statue, and offers to help them when they struggle immensely with their tripod and multiple failed shots.

 

Jongwoon ambles towards the stairs leading into the Rudolfinum later on, sitting on the step that he would always occupy whenever he was there. Seeing couples taking joyful strolls around him weighs down on his heart, adding on to the weariness from the heat that enveloped him.

 

He vividly remembers about the sunshine smiles he would receive, the light chatter he would indulge in, the playful nudges in his side, butterfly kisses exchanged, and the familiar weight on his shoulder, supporting the head of his most cherished person as the latter leans on him and falls asleep as they watch the sun set over the Vltava.

 

 _I’d like to perform in the Dvořák Hall someday, when I can pursue classical music again,_ Jongwoon would often hear, the voice clear and crisp even now, _and I want you to be there to watch me play,_  and Jongwoon’s hands ball up into tightly-clenched fists at the memory.

 

There is no person to be held, no promises to be fulfilled, no more dreams to run towards.

 

All he has is a broken heart and more shattered memories, scattered across the floor in millions of glittery fragments, mocking him in the face.

 

\--

 

That night, Jungsoo watches Jongwoon in deep concern over dinner, just like every other time they had travelled to Prague together.

 

Three years down the line, and the younger man was evidently still holding onto the past. Never once had Jungsoo seen Jongwoon smiling or socialising with the other cabin crew members when they were in town, not since  _that_  particular incident. Jongwoon was always withdrawn into his own world, expressions pensive – occasionally downright furious, most probably with himself – as he sat in the table furthest away from the rest of the crew.

 

Jungsoo wasn’t sure whether Jongwoon had noticed this, but the man would always be the last to finish his food, long after the other crew members have retreated to their hotel rooms to rest for the flight back on the next day.

 

Sighing, Jungsoo gets up from his seat and heads over to Jongwoon’s table, settling into the chair right opposite the other man with a wry smile on his face. “Hey, are you alright?” He asks gently, and Jongwoon seems to have jolted out of his reverie at the question.

 

“Y-yeah, fine. I’m fine.” he stammers; Jungsoo knows at once that it was a lie.

 

“You don’t look fine to me,” Jungsoo comments.  _In fact, you look more horrible than the previous time we were here,_  he thinks, but he keeps the thought to himself. “How old are you anyway? You made a mess out of your dinner plate.” He chuckles, trying to lighten up the mood a little.

 

The laughter gets caught in his throat when Jongwoon’s expressions fell even more as he pushes the plate away from him. “Sorry; I was just thinking about… stuff.” Jongwoon mutters sheepishly, shifting his gaze, as though he didn’t want Jungsoo to read his mind through his eyes.

 

 _When do you never think about your past?_  The words hang on the tip of Jungsoo’s tongue, but he settles for, “It’s not healthy to over-think, Jongwoon.” What he really meant was  _It’s not healthy to hang onto past memories, to cling onto a person who will never return_ , but again, he doesn’t say it.

 

“I’m not over-thinking, hyung.” Jongwoon replies, tone curt and barring any further discussion to unravel from it.

 

Jungsoo exhales quietly and forces a smile. “Then you should go get some sleep. We have another long flight ahead of us tomorrow morning.” He says, and leaves the table when the younger boy merely replies with a slight nod of his head; Jongwoon seemed to be distracted by his thoughts again.

 

He doesn’t miss how Jongwoon mutters “I don’t even know why I’m still doing this” to himself when he walks away.

 

\--

 

Cho Kyuhyun’s heart pounds against his ribs in excitement as he steps into the flight deck of the Boeing 747-8I aircraft, a joyful glee on his face as he pats the leather seats soundly. His eyes traces each and every blinking button there was on the control panels, feeling in awe that he could actually step in here. It has always been his dream to fly a plane this huge, with its 467-seater capacity and cruising speed which surpasses 600 miles per hour.  _Bliss._

 

He slides into the co-pilot’s seat with relative ease, leaning into the chair and savouring how it feels like to be seated there. It’s different from the smaller aircraft he has been piloting all this while on the local flight routes, and he loves it.

 

It feels just like home, as though he truly belongs there.

 

Staring at the panel situated above him, Kyuhyun reaches up and flicks the switch which starts up the aircraft, smiling wistfully to himself when the engine roars to life. And then he jumps slightly when someone raps him on the head, swiftly turning around to catch the sight of a man several years older than he was, with messy black hair tucked beneath his hat and smartly dressed in a navy blue blazer adorned with various pins denoting his ranking, watching him with sharp, narrowed eyes; eyes that seem to question,  _Who are you and what the fuck do you think you’re doing?_

 

Kyuhyun immediately clambers out of his seat, tripping awkwardly over the seatbelt which was left lying on the floor of the cockpit. He manages to catch himself just in the nick of time before he bowls the other man over, and gives him a perfect 90-degree bow. “Hello, nice to meet you! I’m your co-pilot for this flight, sir!”

 

The silence hangs between them, long after Kyuhyun’s too-loud introduction, and Kyuhyun straightens himself without being told to.  _Captain Kim Jongwoon_ , his nametag reads.

 

“I’ve never seen you around before” is the man’s first reply, tone sounding more displeased than inquisitive. His sharp, hawk-like eyes are watching, observing, scrutinising, and it makes Kyuhyun slightly uncomfortable.  _Slightly_.

 

“Uh– yeah, I’ve received a promotion to handle the international routes just recently.” Kyuhyun explains – assuming that’s the answer his superior is searching for. “This is my first flight, actually.”

 

Jongwoon mutters something unintelligible under his breath, which includes the words ‘newbie’ and ‘why me’ – Kyuhyun is, again,  _slightly_  offended by his choice of words – before stiffly extending his arm for the younger man to shake. “I’m Kim Jongwoon, obviously your superior in this flight and in the company in general. There’s only one thing you need to know about me: I  _hate_  flying, so if I ever happen to screw up, you’re in charge of the flight.”

 

With that, Jongwoon turns to leave for another part of the plane, presumably to look for the head steward of their flight to sort out some serving schedules. Kyuhyun finds himself staring at Jongwoon’s retreating back, pondering about the last words he had thrown at him.

 

What the hell?

 

\--

 

“Jungsoo hyung, has Captain Kim always acted like he had a stick up his ass?” Kyuhyun finds himself asking as they savour their dinner for the night – authentic Italian pasta, so delicious that it makes Kyuhyun’s toes curl in delight. It’s been barely a couple of hours since they had become acquainted, yet Kyuhyun was already good friends with Jungsoo and half of the crew. Their end of the table is cut off from the rest of the crew, who were rambunctiously playing some guessing game that they couldn’t be bothered to follow.

 

Beside him, the air steward called Zhou Mi snorts and chokes on a strand of pasta at the too-honest term. Kyuhyun pats his back apologetically. “Badmouthing your superiors is a no-no, Kyuhyun,” Zhou Mi chastises with a slight chuckle as he dabs at his mouth with a napkin. “But to answer your question, he’s actually really nice when he’s in the right mood. You just have to get to know him better.”

 

“How, exactly?” Kyuhyun wonders out loud, the exasperation clearly reflected in his expressions. “He’s been nothing but hostile the entire time I was with him in the cockpit. And then he ignores my questions the rest of the time.”

 

Jungsoo glances over to the table where Jongwoon is, once again, seated alone. “He was much more cheerful than this in the past,” he supplements carelessly, snapping his mouth shut when he turns to find Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi staring expectantly at him. “You’re not getting anything else out of me.” Jungsoo then says with a tone of finality, earning synchronous whines from the pair.

 

“Why not?” Kyuhyun and Zhou Mi choruses in protest. It’s like reading a novel with an amazing opening, but has no substantial plotline nor a decent enough ending to tie up the loose ends. It leaves them feeling empty.

 

“You’ll find out if he  _wants_  you to find out. I’m in no position to talk about his affairs” is Jungsoo’s firm reply, changing the subject fairly rapidly to talk about the weather and the country they were in and the sights to see.

 

Kyuhyun steals surreptitious glances at his captain as he indulges with the conversation with Jungsoo and Zhou Mi, wondering what exactly was hidden behind those pensive eyes of Jongwoon’s.

 

He thinks they almost look distant, sad and lost.

 

\--

 

Jongwoon has no idea whether he should laugh or cry when he finds his name on the roster for the flight to Prague for the second time in two months. He knows, however, that he has every intention to march right up to the human resource manager’s office to protest against this decision. The company _knew_  about his request to fly to Prague once every six months, at the very most, so why was he scheduled to do this again?

 

But apparently, there’s a first for everything, as told by the HR manager Lee Sooman. “I’m sorry, Jongwoon; I understand your circumstances with regards to your reluctance in flying to Prague, but we  _need_  you to be the captain for this flight. Many senior pilots are on leave because of the Chuseok festivities. You’re the best candidate we can think of to ply the route, and guide the junior pilots who have just been promoted to take on the international flights.”

 

“What if I told you that I’m planning to take some time off for Chuseok as well?” Jongwoon huffs in retort, even though he knew that the HR manager made the proper decision. He was, after all, the one pilot who had clocked in the highest amount of flying time to the capital city of Czech Republic; for obvious reasons.

 

“But you haven’t submitted your leave application yet,” Lee Sooman reminds him, “so you have to fulfil your responsibility according to the schedule. Again, I’m sorry, Jongwoon. I have no say in this.”

 

The discussion was effectively over with that one simple line. Although Jongwoon knows that his HR manager has  _every_  say in arranging the pilots’ flight schedules, he doesn’t call the older man out on the fact. Nothing he says or does would be able to change Lee Sooman’s mind after all, and any other effort made to protest would be a waste of time, energy, and his saliva.

 

Jongwoon sighs as he drags himself out of the office, kick-starting the mental preparations for the anguish that would inevitably be dredged up from hell when he sets foot in Prague again.

 

\--

 

Kyuhyun groans out loud, the response almost becoming a reflex when he finally finds his name on the flight roster for the upcoming month. He knew that the end of the month was termed as the ‘period of hell’ by many of the cabin crew – most notably the ones who are single and unmarried with no decent plans for Chuseok, but he is quite close to cursing his own luck.

 

Next to his name, is Captain Kim Jongwoon, printed in bold, dark font.

 

Six times; that was the number of times Kyuhyun had been on the same flight with Kim Jongwoon after his promotion to the international routes. Never once did Jongwoon acknowledge him (but it doesn’t mean that Kyuhyun didn’t try to talk to him regardless), much less greet him in the way that Kyuhyun had expected a senior to, and frankly, he was disappointed and perhaps slightly jealous when he hears his friends boast about how nice the senior pilots they were posted under are.

 

His next flight with Jongwoon is another long-haul flight, this time to Prague – somewhere he had always been eager to pay a visit to. But to be completely honest with himself, Kyuhyun is beginning to lose his enthusiasm at the mere thought of Jongwoon’s frowning face.

 

He wonders whether this trip will be another one filled with awkward silence and minimal conversations in the flight deck. Only the two of them. Kyuhyun’s shoulders slump in defeat, but he perks up again, full of ardour moments later.

 

No, he wasn’t going to let this get to him. Cho Kyuhyun  _will_  conquer Kim Jongwoon and find out what’s going on in the older man’s mind, even if that’s the last thing he does.

 

\--

 

_“Jongwoon hyung, stop it; I really need to go,” the younger man laughs as he half-heartedly tries to wrest his wrist out of Jongwoon’s death grip, his other hand holding onto the handle of his luggage. “I’m going to be late for the flight. I’m going to get a bad scolding from Jungsoo hyung if you don’t let go.”_

 

_Jongwoon flashes a pout at the younger man – probably the only person who would see this side of him. He’s usually serious, and wears a stern expression on his face, but this man… this man made him feel comfortable to be himself; he could act like a kid even, and not get judged. “This sucks, Ryeowook. You get to fly to Bali, and I’m stuck here in this stupid hospital room.”_

 

_Ryeowook laughs again and pats Jongwoon on the cheek. “There’s nothing we can do about this, hyung. I hope you’re not expecting Mr. Lee to drop by the hospital and tell you that you’re still scheduled to fly. You’ve just had your surgery; you heard the doctor. You’re in no position or condition to move around or your wound’s going to pop right open.”_

 

 _“_ Still, _” Jongwoon almost whines, “this was supposed to be our small getaway after our flight schedule.” He mourns for the loss of the holiday which he had looked forward to spending with Ryeowook. The company had approved their request to extend their stay in Bali (after much difficulties and pleads and requests), but it looks like it’s all going to waste._

 

_“We can always plan another holiday when you’re better.” Ryeowook says as he bends forward and catches Jongwoon’s lips in a chaste, lingering kiss. Jongwoon almost didn’t want to let go; he wishes he hadn’t. “I really have to go, Jongwoon hyung. I’ll see you in a couple of days, alright?”_

 

Jongwoon once again finds himself regretting the fact that he had allowed Ryeowook to walk off so easily, wishing that he had held on tighter to the younger man, wanting to turn back the time if he could. But there was no easy way through life, nor were there any options for one to so conveniently reverse what has been done, what has been set in motion, to return to the greener pastures from the past.

 

Time moves forward regardless of the circumstances, mercilessly and unfeeling. Time does not wait, and people who linger in what has been will be abandoned in just that;  _what has been_.

 

Broken promises of that  _next time_  which never came, regretful thoughts of  _what would happen if I hadn’t let go_ , and recurrent nightmares of  _no, Ryeowook, don’t go don’t leave me don’t do this_   _I can’t go on I can’t breathe come back_ are the only things left in Jongwoon’s life, plaguing his mind in the waking hours and in his dreams.

 

As per all the other times he had dreamed of Ryeowook, Jongwoon wakes up in tears, his lips fervently screaming for a name, a voice, an existence that would never again materialise in his life.

 

\--

 

“You again” is the first phrase that greets Kyuhyun when he steps into the flying deck of the plane, tone bitter and annoyed. His eyes narrow in response at the hostility, wondering what he had done this time to deserve such treatment. And then Kyuhyun reminds himself that no, he wasn’t going to give in to the taunting.

 

Instead, he answers with as much controlled sarcasm as he could. “I thought you’d know that I would be your co-pilot again this time, Captain Kim. My name was listed beside yours after all.” Kyuhyun smiles, though it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. If Jongwoon had noticed, he doesn’t show that he’s offended.

 

Jongwoon opts to scoff at the younger man instead. “I don’t pay attention to such details. Well, I don’t mind, as long as you can handle your part of the responsibility well.” He shrugs, before turning back to punch several buttons on the control panel, completely ignoring Kyuhyun’s presence thereafter.

 

Kyuhyun shakes his head and rolls his eyes at his superior when the latter’s attention was turned away from him, wondering about Jongwoon’s quirky side. It seemed to him that Jongwoon isn’t very capable of sustaining a normal conversation without the snappy intonation and the less-than-enthusiastic expression he wears; but then Kyuhyun remembers that phrase Jungsoo had said,  _he was much more cheerful than this in the past_ , and frowns again. The amount of  _why_ s that entails makes his head throb, because he had no answers for them.

 

He decides that Kim Jongwoon was an enigma to him.

 

\--

 

 _I hate flying_.

 

Kyuhyun doesn’t find out what Jongwoon had tried to convey through the phrase until that fateful flight to Prague, when their aircraft gets caught in an unexpectedly violent storm.

 

The flight was thrown into a chaotic state, with anxious passengers asking questions after questions to the cabin crew, whom entered the cockpit much more than really necessary. Kyuhyun notices how Jongwoon’s muscles tenses up at the situation, thinking that he was just stressed up when the captain of the flight almost snaps at Zhou Mi for delivering the message from one of the passengers.

 

But then he realises that something isn’t quite right with Jongwoon – how his hands grips the steering wheel, so tightly that his knuckles turned white; how he is sweating profusely, his eyes darting around the flight deck as if trying to find some nonexistent object; how he keeps licking his dry, pale lips, as though on the verge of passing out.

 

Most importantly, Kyuhyun sees the fear and pain that flickers in Jongwoon’s eyes, the pain overpowering every other emotion that fills the space. Kyuhyun is sure that being a seasoned pilot, Jongwoon isn’t very much worried about the weather; they merely had to trudge on and hope that they would arrive to the end of the storm soon.  The aircraft is cruising rather steadily in the storm, getting thrown to the side only occasionally when strong winds threatened to pull its wings apart, so it must mean that Jongwoon still had adequate control of what he’s doing and what he’s supposed to do.

 

To him, Jongwoon appears as though he is suffocating from his thoughts, his memories, and Kyuhyun feels compelled to tap into those emotions, to relieve Jongwoon of his suffering.

 

 _If I ever happen to screw up, you’re in charge of the flight_ ; Kyuhyun remembers the other half of the words Jongwoon had thrown at him on their first meeting like it was yesterday, and without being told, the young pilot silently, gently takes over the control of the aircraft from Jongwoon’s firm grip, with whispers of assurance that  _let me do this; trust me; everything will be alright_.

 

\--

 

Tired brown eyes meet the grey, overcast skies of Prague as he steps out of the airport, a large contrast from how it had been several months ago on his last trip to the country. But the incessant announcements looking for passengers to head to their boarding gates, safety information, baggage size restrictions, and the lot that rings from behind him in a mixture of Czech and English after a succession of pre-recorded bell chimes still pounds in his ears, a harsh reminder that no matter how much time had passed, some things would still remain unchanged. 

 

Jongwoon is about to embark on his customary tour around town – frankly, he isn’t sure why he’s still doing this, especially when it brings him nothing but agony and serves as a cruel reminder that his envisioned future would not be a reality – when someone grabs on to his arm, grip firm but without intentions to cause pain. He turns around slowly, too exhausted to be angry at anyone at the moment.

 

If anything, he’s more annoyed at himself. Jongwoon couldn’t believe that he had allowed his emotions to get the better of him, despite having told himself that he had the lives of at least 400 people on board in his hands. Worried families, the fretful elderly, crying children,  _someone else’s present and future_ ; he had very nearly single-handedly destroyed all of them. The storm they had gone through was considerably milder than some of those he had experienced in the past, but somehow, his memories threw him off balance and had caused him to lose his attention and the calmness he had always prided himself in.

 

He remains unfeeling, uncaring when he comes face to face with the man who had reversed his mistakes. Jongwoon knows he should be thanking the man for his gallant actions of taking over the plane’s controls from his hands, but he can’t find the strength to utter them. Instead, he asks with a blunt “What?”, his tone coming off as plain rude. Again, Jongwoon couldn’t find himself to care less.

 

Kyuhyun doesn’t seem to care about his animosity; nothing surprises him anymore when it comes to Jongwoon, at least for now. “Just wondering whether I could tag along with you on your journey around Prague.” He shrugs. “Jungsoo hyung told me you’re familiar with the streets here, and this is kind of my first time here so...” He adds when Jongwoon frowns in confusion.

 

Jongwoon’s eyes narrow in response when he looks up and finds said man waving all-too-cheerfully at him, mouthing  _you need someone to go with you_. The younger man scowls at Jungsoo, and mouths  _you’re dead meat_  in response, before sighing in acquiescence to the enthusiastic Kyuhyun. He figures it’s the least he could do to thank his co-pilot for saving his ass earlier.

 

The grin that appears on Kyuhyun’s face moments later makes Jongwoon dip his head and smile a little. It’s all he would allow himself.

 

\--

 

Jongwoon soon discovers that Kyuhyun is a good person to take a walk with, because he doesn’t ask unnecessary questions and doesn’t even  _speak_  a word. Jongwoon didn’t have to give him a verbal warning to stay quiet from the moment they had entered the taxi which took them to town; Kyuhyun was probably already familiar with Jongwoon’s preference from the few occasions they had flown a plane together. For that, Jongwoon is glad.

 

They take a lazy stroll around the main town of Prague, both submerged in silence, with the older man occasionally pausing to engage in conversations with the shopkeepers who recognises him in halting Czech on Jongwoon’s part. Kyuhyun would observe him in wonder at times like these, but again, he does not say a word nor make any comments like  _your Czech is lousy_  even though Jongwoon can see that it is lingering on the tip of his tongue.

 

Unexpectedly (or perhaps a little expectedly), Jongwoon is the first to break the silence with a curious “Why are you following me around quietly? Aren’t you bored?” as they sit in front of the Rudolfinum. It feels weird to be seated in this particular location with another person that isn’t Ryeowook, but Jongwoon decides it’s much better than hanging out here alone. At least Kyuhyun’s presence allows him to strike up conversations, and consequentially keep his mind off  _some unwanted memories_. He is honestly getting sick of how tormented and broken he would end up whenever he was in Prague (he’s sure that Jungsoo is, too, even though the older man doesn’t breathe a word), though Jongwoon supposes that it’s no one’s fault but his own. Everything is.

 

“I thought you’d like to be left alone, Captain Kim, though  _technically_  you’re not alone.” Kyuhyun grins sheepishly. “It’s nice, to be able to walk around without having to say a thing. So no, I’m not bored. The view keeps me preoccupied enough.”

 

“Oh.” Jongwoon blinks, and then frowns at the younger man. “Stop calling me Captain Kim. It sounds horribly awkward. Call me Jongwoon instead.”

 

“The relationship between us  _is_  awkward, but okay, if that’s what you want,  _Jongwoon_.” The younger man smirks in response, having every intention to test Jongwoon’s reactions towards the lack of honorific use. Jongwoon doesn’t even bat an eyelash at his impudence, and instead chuckles softly before sinking into another bout of silence.

 

Jongwoon takes Kyuhyun by surprise again when he suddenly mutters a sincere  _‘thank you’_ ; however silent it may have been to the ears of others, Kyuhyun hears the words crystal clear, sending unidentifiable emotions in the form of shudders down his spine and warmth that spreads in his heart. It may be two simple words, but the implications are deep and heartfelt, speaking of indebtedness for Kyuhyun’s actions on the plane, and of gratitude for his silence when it was truly needed. 

 

Kyuhyun’s lips pull up into a half-smile, still feeling faintly confused at the abrupt change in attitude by the older man. He doesn’t know what to think about the show of kindness from Jongwoon, but he decidedly likes it.

 

\--

 

Their relationship improves considerably fast after leaving Prague. Jongwoon doesn’t elaborate what had happened in the lead-up to his aberrant actions on the plane, and Kyuhyun doesn’t prod into it either. The younger man knows very well that he should give Jongwoon his own space; Jongwoon would only be forthcoming with bits and pieces of his life stories whenever the silence between them becomes too overpowering. That means Kyuhyun had to be patient in discovering more about his captain (though he still can’t understand why he feels compelled to do so); patience is what Kyuhyun has.

 

It isn’t until their schedule to Fukuoka, several months after their trip to Prague, that Jongwoon truly opens up to Kyuhyun when they lounge around at the balcony of Jongwoon’s hotel room, neither of them feeling adventurous enough to explore the town. By then they were already conversing plenty in the cockpit (Kyuhyun was always arranged to be with Jongwoon on the flight schedules, turning Jongwoon into a mentor of sorts for the younger man), the flight deck no longer submerged in the awkward, tensed silence which would so frequently envelope them in the initial stages.

 

It is said that alcohol loosens people up. Jongwoon practically talks like he has verbal diarrhoea with the ethanol in his system, and blabber away he does over bottles of the finest Cabernet Sauvignon wine (Kyuhyun has a good eye for wine), talking about things he wouldn’t have otherwise mentioned when he’s sober; things he would probably regret ever saying after the night is through.

 

But Kyuhyun doesn’t stop him, because he has always wanted to know Jongwoon more. Zhou Mi’s words in Italy ring true; Jongwoon isn’t all that bad when his mood is decent, and Kyuhyun is glad that he has the opportunity to witness this side of the older man. The drunken, wide smile on Jongwoon’s face is the best expression Kyuhyun has seen on the man in a long while, telling of unrestrained feelings and forgotten worries.

 

That is, until Kyuhyun accidentally touches on a particularly sensitive subject.

 

“Jongwoon, there’s something I’ve been curious about all this while.” Kyuhyun begins.

 

Jongwoon looks up at him through glazed eyes and muffles a drunken giggle. “What is it? Ask away!”

 

“If you say so, Jongwoon.” Kyuhyun laughs, then assumes a serious mood. “The first time we met, you told me you hated flying. What was that about?”

 

The smile on Jongwoon’s face is promptly wiped off by the question, a melancholic expression taking its place instead. “Have you ever lost someone you truly loved?” Kyuhyun worries his lower lip and shakes his head in response, and Jongwoon sighs.

 

“I have, and I could’ve done something to stop him from leaving, but I didn’t.”

 

“He’s… your lover? What happened?” Kyuhyun proceeds cautiously, watching Jongwoon carefully for any warning signs that he should stop prodding. Jongwoon nods.

 

“Ryeowook was an air steward who went on frequent flight schedules with me.” The older man informs, swallowing thickly at the memories he was digging up. “But on the first common flight schedule that I had to sit out of because of an operation, I lost him. He… he was one of the few cabin crew who died in the plane crash because of a heavy storm, trying to save the passengers from the wreckage.”

 

Jongwoon completely breaks down at this point, feeling the pain overwhelm him as though he is being swallowed up whole by a large body of water, pulling him underneath, suffocating him slowly but surely.

 

He has never mentioned this to anyone else, and only the more senior staff in the company knows about the incident, knew about Jongwoon’s relationship with Ryeowook. No one speaks of it, and neither does anyone remind the pilot about the incident if they can help it. Flying to Prague, however, is one of those things which cannot be avoided, no matter how much the administrative staff of the company wanted to. It would simply not be fair for Jongwoon to sit out of the flight route.

 

On impulse, Kyuhyun walks over to Jongwoon and pulls the sobbing man into his arms, whispering words of comfort in his ear. Nevertheless, Kyuhyun knows that his efforts are probably futile, because he has never lost a loved one, and can’t imagine how it would be to live through the recurrent memories, unable to move on from the past. But he also knows that words of comfort are necessary, that there is an overwhelming sense of  _wanting_  to pacify Jongwoon’s tears, wanting to be the person who could lend Jongwoon a shoulder to cry on bubbling up within him.

 

In the midst of the sobbing and the comforting and the cuddling, Kyuhyun’s lips meets with Jongwoon’s, both tasting the saltiness from the older man’s tears and the intermingled aftertaste of wine.

 

\--

 

Jongwoon doesn’t realise that his sight is swimming as he stares into the computer screen, his mind travelling into the past to that night spent in Fukuoka, with memories of tongues tangled in a vehement challenge for the other to give in, flushed skin pressed close together, breathy moans filling the room, and waking up with purpled bruises scattered all over both bodies. The feeling of Kyuhyun’s lips on his skin, sucking and nibbling to create his mark, remain fresh in his mind.

 

He shakes his head hard when he catches his thoughts straying, clearing his throat uncomfortably and takes a sip of his now-cold coffee in an attempt to push those memories away. But they don’t, and it gnaws at his conscience because it feels like he had cheated on his lover.

 

Even though it has been a month since he last saw Kyuhyun – avoided, to be precise, for he had requested for his name to be dropped from the flight schedules in the meantime; he didn’t think he could handle the idea of flying anymore, at least not for now – Jongwoon still finds his mind being invaded by the images of warm smiles and stupid smirks and snarky comments and gentle words.

 

Cho Kyuhyun is a living contradiction, and Kim Jongwoon is possibly the most conflicted person to ever exist on the face of this planet.

 

He doesn’t want to admit that he likes Kyuhyun – he doesn’t think he does – but his mind seems hell bent on making him think otherwise. What scares him the most is the fact that whenever he tries to recall Ryeowook’s sunshine smiles and soft touches and the sweet melody of his piano playing, these memories he held of Ryeowook seem to be fading by the day, only to be replaced by more recollections of  _Kyuhyun Kyuhyun Kyuhyun_.

 

Today is no different. In fact, the images of Ryeowook in his memories seem to have decolourised that much more as compared to the day before, and Jongwoon finds himself clawing desperately at the thin threads linking him and his lover.

 

Jongwoon truly hates feeling like this.

 

\--

 

Kyuhyun watches silently as his captain, his mentor, his – he doesn’t even know how he should label the relationship they shared, because that  _prick_ wouldn’t even look him in the eye, much less talk to him after the night they shared in Fukuoka under that man’s sheets – passes him by, again without sparing a glance at him.

 

He can’t even begin counting the number of times he had been tempted to grab onto Jongwoon and drag him into an empty room, just so he could clarify the situation between them. But because he knows Jongwoon loathes such actions, and knows that him acting on impulse would only drive Jongwoon further away, Kyuhyun doesn’t make a move.

 

Kyuhyun can only muster a wry smile when he catches Jungsoo’s watchful eyes, shrugging in a silent message that says:  _there’s nothing I can do about this._

 

\--

 

“You’re here.”

 

Jongwoon looks up to the voice which joins him on the rooftop of their company, frowning in response when he recognises the face that stares down at him, displeasure evident. “What do you want with me, Jungsoo hyung?” He growls half-heartedly, stubbing out his cigarette against the cement beneath him.

 

“I want to talk to you, Jongwoon.” The head air steward states curtly as he leans against the railing, arms crossed in front of his chest. “No running away this time; I’m serious.”

 

“Fine.” Jongwoon surrenders almost willingly, feeling too exhausted to even find the will to protest or walk away. The man cornered him this time, after all the other times Jongwoon had barely slipped away. If Jungsoo has one motive dictating his life, it’s probably  _at first if you don’t succeed, you try and try again_ ; he isn’t going to let Jongwoon off the hook that easily, if Jongwoon’s experiences with Jungsoo are anything to go by. “What’s this about?”

 

“Kyuhyun.” Jungsoo replies bluntly, and Jongwoon almost wants to run away by the mention of the name itself. Jungsoo notices that, and sends a stern glare in the pilot’s direction, effectively keeping him in place. “I’ve been told that you’ve been avoiding him  _a lot_  these days.”

 

“By whom?” Jongwoon scoffs, his eyes narrowing into slits. “Kyuhyun himself, or some other cabin crew who has to learn how not to stick their noses into someone else’s business?”

 

“By my own observation because you’re just  _that_  obvious, and by word of mouth. There’s no need for you to know the details.”

 

Jongwoon raises an eyebrow at Jungsoo as he lights another cigarette. “And so?” He asks impatiently, the toxic fumes escaping the sides of the stick in his mouth.

 

“What exactly happened between the both of you in Fukuoka? One moment you’re merrily talking and joking around with him, and the next, you’re acting as though he murdered your family.” Jungsoo’s voice takes a softer intonation. He stuffs his hands into his blazer, and waits for Jongwoon’s answer.

 

Jongwoon’s expressions turns unreadable, just like all the times when Jungsoo had tried to talk to him about Ryeowook’s mishap and how Jongwoon wasn’t responsible for that. He has a knack of closing himself up, distancing himself from the others, rejecting all help extended to him, and lives in his own world with the pain that consumes him, eroding his mental stability day by passing day.

 

“It’s nothing you should know about” is Jongwoon’s only answer, and Jungsoo makes a disgruntled sound.

 

“You evidently  _like_  him, Jongwoon. Isn’t it about time you learned to let go of the past and attempt to love again? I’m sure Ryeowook doesn’t want to see you do this to yourself.”

 

“What do you know about Ryeowook’s desires?!” Jongwoon snaps angrily at him, his fury no longer containable. Of all things Jungsoo could’ve mentioned, he  _had_  to bring up Ryeowook’s name. “And what do you know about me?!”

 

“I know you’re suffering inside.” Jungsoo says evenly, quietly, trying not to raise his voice at Jongwoon. He understands Jongwoon well enough to know that the man is averse to the idea of having someone shouting at him.  But that doesn’t mean that he can’t coat his words with as much latent anger as he feels. “I know what you’ve been doing whenever we fly to Prague. Is this all really necessary? To torture yourself? To close yourself up to everyone who wants to get to know you better? To push the people who gets too close to comfort?”

 

Jongwoon wants to retort, but doesn’t because it’s true and he has no intentions in admitting it. Jungsoo sees this as an opportunity for him to slot in more words, because if Jongwoon had wanted to leave, he could’ve done so in the middle of his speech.

 

“Three years, Jongwoon. Three years isn’t a short period of time. I’ve never talked to you about Ryeowook’s incident because I  _wanted_  to believe that you were stronger than this and would be able to pull yourself out of this slump on your own.” The older man grounds out, his voice now tinged with disappointment. “But evidently I should have meddled in this much earlier.”

 

“What if I don’t want to move on?” Jongwoon’s voice slowly comes undone with his resolution and stubbornness as the words leaves his lips, silent and agonised. “I  _can’t_  do this, hyung.  _I can’t forget Ryeowook_. Who else will remember about him if I don’t?”

 

Jongwoon tips the breaking point and falls down the steep slope of despair, and Jungsoo’s stern façade crumbles into nothingness with him.

 

\--

 

Tired brown eyes stare at the pavement beneath Jongwoon’s feet, watching as he absentmindedly kicks at the ground, disturbing the sand particles scattered across it. Never in his life after Ryeowook’s death did Jongwoon ever lose this much sleep before. The circles under his eyes can probably even scare kids away, dark and heavy and drooping.

 

In short, he is a mess.

 

Jungsoo’s words from several weeks ago keep stirring his mind, making him think even though he is exhausted from all the thinking he has been doing, bringing up things he doesn’t want to know, doesn’t want to feel, doesn’t want to  _remember_. They push him to consider his options, his feelings, his desires, over and over and over again. He still pines for Ryeowook, even if he knows he’s being a colossal idiot, but a dominant part of his heart – as reluctantly as he’d like to admit –  _wants_  Kyuhyun. He wants to make up to the younger man for his unexplained silence, wants to apologise for whatever stupidity he has been displaying.

 

And so he finds himself at Kyuhyun’s doorstep by the second week he has lost sleep, without having a substantial plan of what he should say or do when he sees Kyuhyun. He then realises that his plans would be screwed regardless, because the moment the younger man answers the door with unkempt bed hair and dishevelled sleeping clothes, Jongwoon’s mind goes blank.

 

It takes all he has to not smother Kyuhyun with a tight embrace.

 

\--

 

Kyuhyun is woken up by the sound of his doorbell ringing at 9am on a beautiful Sunday. He half-contemplates to just lie in bed and ignore whoever that was at the door, because Sunday is supposed to be a  _rest day_. Who in the right frame of mind would go around visiting people this early in the morning anyway? He groans and swings himself off the bed when the bell rings again, figuring that he might as well get this done and over with so that he could return to sleep.

 

He finds his captain standing there when he opens up the door, head bowed low.

 

“Jongwoon…?” Kyuhyun mumbles sleepily, unable to register the fact that  _Jongwoon is here on his own accord_  just yet. When he does, he almost jumps backwards at the realisation, eyes suddenly much wider than before. “Wh-what are you doing here?!” He splutters, then groans when he casts a look at his own appearance and runs a hand through his messy head of hair.

 

“Shit, I’m sorry I’m nowhere near presentable. You should’ve given me an advanced notice that you were coming over so that I– wait a minute, how did you get my address?” Kyuhyun apologises but stumbles all over his words at the transient confusion, earning an amused chuckle from Jongwoon.

 

“I have my sources,” he informs, before his expressions turns uncertain. “Am I… intruding? I mean, I can leave or something if you don’t want to see me around…”

 

“No!” Kyuhyun exclaims in alarm and reaches forward to grab onto Jongwoon’s upper arm, before dropping it like hot metal when he remembers how Jongwoon probably doesn’t like that. “I– I mean, you’re not intruding. Not at all!” The words  _I’ve been dying to see you too so please, don’t leave_  lingers on his tongue, but he doesn’t say it. There’s no need to make the atmosphere even more awkward than it already is. “Do you… want to come in and have a seat?”

 

He tries not to let his disappointment show when Jongwoon shakes his head with a slight smile. “It’s alright; I’ll be leaving after I’m done with what I have to say.”

 

“Oh.” Kyuhyun blinks. “What is this about?”

 

“That night in Fukuoka…” Jongwoon starts quietly, and Kyuhyun’s breath catches in his throat with a sharp inhale. The fear that Jongwoon would tell him it was all a mistake; that it was a mere act of foolishness because they were both intoxicated and didn’t know better; that he would ask Kyuhyun to wipe everything off his mind bubbles up in the younger man. He didn’t harp on the matter ever since they had left Fukuoka because he wanted to give Jongwoon some time to come to terms with what had happened (Jongwoon seemed oddly out of it that morning, when they woke up next to each other in Jongwoon’s room).

 

But  _this…_ he isn’t prepared to face the possibility of losing Jongwoon and getting shut out of his life. Not now, and certainly not any time soon.

 

Amidst his preoccupation with unravelling the mystery that is Jongwoon, Kyuhyun had fallen in love with him, in spite of the cold shoulders and the mocking words he had received when they had first met.

 

“Don’t.” The word comes out as a bare whisper, with him feeling afraid that he will shatter from the despair which is consuming him slowly. He has no idea exactly how Jongwoon had felt when he lost Ryeowook, and he thinks what he’s feeling doesn’t, won’t ever come close, but Kyuhyun feels pretty damned shitty regardless. “You don’t have to say anything about it. I understand.”

 

Jongwoon frowns a little in confusion at the sudden down spiralling of Kyuhyun’s upbeat mood and facial expressions from earlier, and then his eyes brighten up in realisation. “No, you don’t understand this, Kyuhyun. It’s not what you have in mind.”

 

“But I really do–”

 

The rest of Kyuhyun’s sentence gets swallowed by a pair of soft lips that presses against his, making him forget everything else he had wanted to say. He doesn’t register that those lips belongs to Jongwoon until the man finally pulls away from him. His eyes go wide.

 

“See, you don’t.” Jongwoon teases, evidently enjoying how flustered and confused Kyuhyun is. “The thing is – I want to apologise for what I’ve been doing. I know it’s not fair for me to do such things to you, to ignore you without giving you a proper reason or explanation for my actions, but…”

 

Jongwoon is silenced when Kyuhyun presses a finger against his own lips. “You don’t have to apologise for anything. I know what you’ve been through, and I don’t want you to feel pressured into anything.”

 

“Still, I’m sorry.” The older man says sincerely, his lips pressed into a thin line. “I just… I need some time to sort out my feelings. I’ll tell you everything when I’m ready. I hope you understand.”

 

Kyuhyun steps out of his house for the first time that morning, and pulls Jongwoon into his embrace. “I understand. It’s fine.” He fairly breathes into Jongwoon’s ear, feeling how the older man shudders under his touch. “Go sort things out if you have to. I’ll wait for you, no matter how long it takes.”

 

The smile Jongwoon flashes at him when they pull apart gives Kyuhyun some hope that maybe,  _maybe_  things will indeed turn for the better.

 

\--

 

Kyuhyun flicks the last few switches on the overhead panel and completes his customary check of the plane’s condition prior to takeoff, grinning satisfactorily at himself when the engine of the aircraft roars into life. He can hear the cabin crew directing the business class passengers to their respective seats from behind, and he quickly gets to the final stretch of preparations.

 

“Good day, Captain Cho. Is everything going well?” A voice that joins him in the cockpit makes Kyuhyun stiffen in his seat, but he regains his composure soon enough and turns around to greet the man. He had no idea who would be the captain of this flight, as the HR department had so carelessly left a ‘TBA’ in the space which was supposed to hold a senior pilot’s name. But he has to admit; this is a pleasant surprise.

 

“Good afternoon, Captain Kim.” He replies with a salute. “The preparations have been completed. We’re good to go.”

 

“Good, you’re better than I remembered you to be.” Jongwoon comments and stifles a laugh when Kyuhyun makes an affronted face at him.

 

“Welcome back, Jongwoon.” Kyuhyun breathes out, putting all of his self-control to the test, trying hard not to do anything out of the line like kissing Jongwoon senseless when anyone can walk in on them at any given time. Jongwoon’s return to the flight schedules can only mean one thing: he has finally come to terms with his own feelings, and has decided to not run away from reality any longer.

 

Jongwoon beams. “It’s good to be back, Kyuhyun. Shall we prepare for takeoff, then? I have lots of stories to tell you on the way, too.” Kyuhyun nods enthusiastically and slides into his seat at once, and Jongwoon takes his place next to the younger man shortly after.

 

Kyuhyun glances over to Jongwoon in content as the latter gives the microphone a light tap, and speaks ever so confidently into it.

 

“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain Kim Jongwoon speaking. Welcome onboard flight KR0824 bound for the city of love, Paris. If you have any questions or requests, please feel free to ask for assistance from the cabin crew who are ever ready to serve you. On behalf of the crew, I wish that you’ll have a pleasant flight.”

 

Kyuhyun thinks he’s definitely going to have a pleasant flight indeed.


End file.
